Face to face Leadership

Look Your Leader in the Face aka Face to Face Leadership

City of Everett training 11/14/13

Carson Tavenner

 

Important to sit down one-to-one with each employee. And look at yourself.

 

Know Your Goal/Purpose

Understand where you are, where you want to go. Base this around goals. Understand the difference & solutions, and move yourself there. Define management and leadership.

Management: the work of ensuring efficient use of resources to accomplish a goal. Produces product.

Root concept of management is maneggiare (Latin hand, horse handler). Horses were crucial to getting the work done, just like having a good manager is crucial to getting work done.

Leadership: bringing people together to achieve a common purpose. Some do both. Not all. Those who fail lack education or opportunity to lead. Are leaders born or made? No conclusion. Produces followers.

 

Key Skills

·         Listening, speaking, writing, reading (aka communication). Receive as well as you send.

·         Giving feedback.

·         Time management, critical thinking, decision making.

·         Organization, delegation, strategy.

·         Team building, coaching, motivation, inspiration, vision. Larger picture skills. Team shares vision.

o   Communicate vision well so others understand, can follow.

§  Balance skills & character to lead well.

 

Character Traits

·         Fundamentally, exhibit positive behavior. Rather than talk about behavior you don’t like. This creates a positive work culture. Don’t want to be too much of anything, though. Be friendly without being a friend, example*. Do what’s necessary: give feedback, delegate. Balance.

*See also Henry V.

 

4 LEVELS OF LEADERSHIP

 

·         1. Self-Leadership

Responsibility: self. Development time mgmt. & organization.

Don’t leave key skills behind as you ascend the ladder. Time management and organization are the two skills to be engaged in self-leadership (or followership, the first step to leadership).

a.       Followership – learning how to lead yourself when you have no one else to be leading.

                                                               i.      Find purpose from leader, group. Know where you are.

Challenges:

o   Know your purpose. Know where you are. Where you want to be.

§  Whole leader approach:

·         Skills & Character

§  Understand the differences & solutions

§  Move yourself there.

§  Identify next steps for personal improvement

§  Consider time management as a first step

 

Time Management

Visualization: Organize priorities, accept the time stream, and anticipate the leader’s work – step back, look upriver to strategize, direct, inform employees to fish opportunities out of stream.

Structural: Seconds, minutes, hours, days/weeks, months/years. A great leader can flexibly move from one layer of time structure to another. Firefighters have to switch from hours/days to min/sec in a flash.

 

Prioritization

Schedule day in 15-minute increments.

High criticality and short-term trumps low criticality and long-term. Obvious.

The choice comes between low criticality/short-term vs. high-criticality & long-term. Face these decisions, move forward.

 

The responsibility to self-lead never goes away.

 

·         2. Face-to-Face

Responsibility: immediate team.

Skills development: listening, feedback (does not need to include consequences…yet)

Challenges:

·         Know the shared purpose of the team. May be different than your perspective. A great leader can help individuals achieve their self-leadership goals at the same time.

o   For next staff meeting: What is our purpose? What can we each do and do for each other to get there? Write it on cards. No one gets in trouble for communicating in a way that’s unselfish, helps the team. “Vegas rules.” Complaints welcome. Gossip not.

·         People are the source of all challenges. They’re also the source of all good.

·         Purpose – less obvious; easy to overlook.

o   It is the responsibility of the employee to align the group purpose with his or her individual purposes. We make them see that they need to do it.

o   Are there budding leaders on your team?  80% will do OK/succeed, 10% will trip, 10% will exceed, sail over the bar. Our job is to encourage them.

§  And to know their job descriptions. This is critical.

·         The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team (Lencioni). Each layers leads to problems above:

o   Absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, inattention to results.

·         Team Lifecycle: Forming (acceptance, conflict avoidant, learning, directed), Storming (competition, debates, tolerance & patience, leader is open), Norming (unified goals, teamwork, leader in transition), Performing (low external supervision, leader is participating, high efficiency, low conflict –hard to achieve). Easy to get stuck in a norming storming loop. Performing doesn’t last long, due to promotions.

·         Communication –try this test: can you repeat back what was said in a voice that asks whether we heard correctly?

o   Flexibility of style is key to being a great leader. We all have our style, flex ours to the speaker.

§  Reserved (thinking) to open (feeling) + direct to indirect. Reserved/direct = military

·         Self-assess style and try to adjust, be flexible.

·         Indirect people can seem silly, direct people can seem rude…to each other. If they understand each other, we get a better assessment of the situation, what affects the decision.

·         Chart assessment to each team member; we may not get along with those with different styles. Need to adjust.

·         Situational Leadership – Individual connection to an employee. From a new employee, how the relationship matures: from telling to selling (how they fit in) to participating to delegating. We may need to trust more if we’re micro-managing. If not, we need to tell him the problem.

·         Preparation is Critical to Good Feedback – does bad behavior happen a few months after the annual review. Notice this. Also notice whether they over-perform before the review only.  Always good to give proper feedback to a specific problem as quickly as possible. See checklist. Prepare. End with “please explain.”

o   Stick to behaviors, not attitudes. “What I saw/heard. Can you explain?” Stop without interjecting feelings.

o   When bring 2 people together, get perspective first from each first.

o   Establish a pattern of giving feedback for both positive and negative behavior.

o   Note “non-verbals:” facial expression, body language, position, vocal inflection. These communicate in spades. Eyebrow position, lip position, head tilt, crossed arms; these things are often not considered when others present themselves. We ask: “did you intend to have that effect? No? Let’s work that out,” by pointing it out when it happens. Can work itself out. Fix bad behavior. Not bad attitude. Person will fix attitude naturally. You may just not like that person. Be friendly, not friends. Value them, don’t love them.

§  Disrespectful communication can affect work. Maybe you don’t get along with that person, but does it hurt the work or environment? It can hold the team back, be divisive.

§  Email can get us in trouble because it lacks this huge way of communicating, all the connotations…

o   Last Words on Feedback – keep employee and subordinate needs in mind. Session is not for the supervisor. What is in their best interest? It may drive employee to realize life goal, their best job is yet to come. Every employee wants to do his job right. Openly discuss opinions about what that means.

·         Dealing with irate individuals:

o   Demonstrate appropriate volume, rate, and word choice.

o   Nonverbals: calm, strong, neutral, unyielding, feet pointed towards them.

o   Give direct value statements—confirm their reception. Repeat back, ask them to repeat back.

o   Question the helpfulness of high volume, fast rate, poor word choice, strained muscles, and elevated heart rate.

o   Inform them of the long term impacts on their employability.

·         Uncooperative employees in teamwork: teamwork is part of their job description (or should be); what does cooperation look like? Sound like? Show them! Affects employability.

·         Not Forgetting “Where You Came From”

o   Investing time with previous teams to keep learning from them.

o   Encouraging them to explore their own horizons

o   Loyalty – can compromise integrity.

·         Creating a Positive Workspace – is the side benefit.

 

·         3. Indirect

Responsibility: supervisors

Skills development: delegating, coaching

Challenges: Practice where you can, in or out of workplace.

Small, temporary projects led by your subordinates – failure & not doing it are not punished in any way. Just coached. Failure = learning.

a.       Added benefit: mentors your promising subordinates in face-to-face leadership before going full-time.

b.      Maybe this is your current situation as a supervisee?

 

·         4. Executive

Responsibility: organization

Skills development: strategy, long-range planning

Practice by making a long-range plan with your team.

 

Integration: Listening & Feedback

Heart-to-Heart Communication – Everything filters from: your heart to your mind to your mouth to their ear to their mind to their heart. And back. An intense game of “telephone” between just two people.

·         Use a “filters & biases detector:” You can’t change someone’s filters and biases. Only how you present yourself. And try not to be offended. This takes the power out of the passive aggressiveness.

External affects influence communication: age, dress, gender perceptions, environment (noise), equipment, etc. On a webinar, look at the camera, not them. Important to remember.

People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. And they know when you listen to them.

 

Moral Development

If we proactively engage this question, we will be honest & trustworthy with each other.

Three Stages of Moral Development:

·         We do the right thing because we can avoid punishment for doing the wrong thing.

a.       From childhood (don’t take cookies from the cookie jar).

b.      Maybe employees need to be moved from this level to the next.

·         Do what’s right to belong/have identity.

a.       Giving money to charity, participating in a non-profit to help the community. Gives us value. Self-actualization. Most stay here.

·         Do what’s right even when there’s punishment.

a.       Never expect employees to go here. Some do this in little ways.

·         Have to decide between:

a.       Loyalty & honesty

b.      Timeliness and dedication – get it done, doesn’t have to be perfect…or does it??

·         Point is not to get the right answer, but understand how and why the choice gets made. You become a better leader by going through this. Character building.

 

Integration: Skills & Character

 

Skills:

·         Time mgmt., organization, listening, feedback, etc.

·         Be sure to cultivate and recognize those that are under-utilized—yours, others.

·         Others relevant to situation? Strategy, motivation (they know they can do it), communication at levels appropriate for audience, delegating, critical thinking, knowing how to inspire people (they learn they can do it)…Motivation beyond money & threats. Leading by example incorporates a character trait.

 

Practical Applications

·         List some leadership goals.

·         Practical next steps?

·         What did learning today change perspective on real issues we deal with each day?

·         When will you achieve one of these practical steps? How will you measure it?

 

There are things going on in even the hardest, cruelest employee – if we can get at and help with them, we will be a hero.

 

Toastmasters = highly recommended.

Grace Under Pressure

Grace Under Pressure:

Tips and Tricks to Cultivate a Positive Approach

11/12/13

Webjunction Webinar

 

Personal Work Style

We’re All Leaders

Be Yourself – Know your values, work style, etc…Meyers Briggs, etc. will help. Ask colleagues, friends, family. Ongoing process.

Communication – Visual is 55%, tone is 28%, 7% is what we say. How we feel comes out. Are we effective? Speak in headlines? Storyteller? Etc?

 

Time Management and Prioritization

Planning – 5 min at beg and end of each day to plan day and week. Sacred ritual.

Email – Devise tricks to get through it. Flags, folders, review, every day.

Work Space – Organize so efficient and effective. The five s’s: sort, straighten, shine, standardize, sustain. From Japanese.

Workflow Process – Consistent routine.

Plus/Delta – Everything we do, what went well, what didn’t. What worked, what to change.

 

Manage the Moment

The 4 D’s – Don’t overanalyze, procrastinate. Do it now later, discuss it, or delete it. NOW.

 

Daily Work Habits to Reduce Stress

Crucial: Cultivate gratitude and joy in position!

Self-Talk – Say “I made a mistake, move on.” Keep a journal.  Write down experiences.

Work-Life Balance – Remember your creative side. Consciously choose every day: food, sleep, exercise, vacations, etc.

 

Presenting Yourself

Self-assured, poised, come across as someone who is not feeling overwhelmed. Approachable. Humble.

Takes continued ownership and challenging self to improve. 4 steps:

Reflect what you’ve learned so far.

Stay focused, make a plan.

 

Georgia Lomax, Pierce County LS

Can Your Work Style Reduce Stress?

Stress is part of everyone’s life. Good stress motivates, helps us work. Bad stress makes us anxious and irritable.

 

Time and Demands

As responsibilities increase, so do the demands on your time and resources. Manage work so it stays at work.

 

Fast Paced Technical Environment

Do not create stress for yourself by becoming an adrenaline addict. Remove bookmark for work email from home computer + mobile device.

 

Home/Life Stressors

At work, keep mind off home. At work, take a book break.

Read Getting things Done by David Allen. Tips help with focus, feeling of being overwhelmed:

Stop thinking about why things wouldn’t work. Just try and do them.

 

GTD (Getting Things Done):

·         Schedule GTD time – minimal distractions. Use allotted time. Done is better than perfect.

o   Could be just 5-10 minutes. It’s the time you use complaining each day about not having enough time to do stuff.

·         Brain Dump – Declutter mind. There’s only so much room. Mindsweep. Write each item down on a sheet, individual post-its, etc.  Go for quantity. Mind can only actively hold 5-7 things/time, use brain space to get things done. Even just twice a week is good enough.

·         Reduces stress. Allows for life after work. Organize thoughts, self, for home, so can GTD at home.

·         Constant Interruptions? Let go, either during work day or after work – boundaries help. Throw on the headphones, close the door.

 

Anna Shelton

Less Stress Through Better Communication

We control what we bring to our relationships and communication. Control how we respond.  Quality of communication brings a whole organization up.

 

Conflict Happens – Know Your Style

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument (TKI):

Be aware of your natural response to conflict, trya  different style.

Assertiveness vs. Cooperativeness:

Know your limits, how important is the goal (assert) vs. how important is the relationship (cooperate)

Compete Collaborate Compromise Avoid Accommodate

 

Know Your Buttons…and Your Wheelhouse

What makes us stressed?

What do we do well? Where you’re going to knock it out of the park, your sweet spot. Share with colleagues and organization. You may be asked to do these.

 

Difficult Conversations are an Opportunity to Get New Information

Put your antenna up – know what’s happening, what’s coming, improves relationships.

Be curious – Assume you’re probably missing something, especially during a challenging conversation.  “what are YOU thinking?” changes from defensive to being able to get an answer to the question.

 

STATE Model

From Crucial Conversations

Share Your facts – “this is what’s happening from my perspective.” Keep emotuion out.

Tell your story – Here’s how this is making me feel/wonder.

Ask for others’ paths – “How do you see this?” How does it paly out for the other?

Talk tentatively -- …”I wonder, I notice…”

Encourage testing – “ Would you ever consider…what if we tried,” etc.

 

Embrace Mistakes

Raise it to the right people – At library next conference, everyone applauds at mistakes. They pave the way to discovery, invention, creativity.

Be part of the solution

Seek discovery

 

How Can I be a Force for Positive Change in My Universe?

Don’t just react. Step outside of own self-perception. Become someone new every day. If you try something different even 10% of the time, the world would be a better place.

 

Fill the Well

Artists draw from an inner well that gets depleted.

Self – see above.

Mission/passion for this work – connect to this every day; even if it’s just a poster or photo.

Relationships with Colleagues – be sure to add water to every well between each of us every day.

Grace Under Fire: De-escalating Potentially Aggressive Individuals

Ellis Amdur MA, NCC, CMHS
10.24.2013 Training

OUR SIDE

Not about intimidation about integrity—when we manifest this and dignity, we reduce the possibility of trouble. When we control our space, we control situations. Giuliani’s “broken window” theory. Social service agency redecorates its lobby, reduces incidents by 50% because it doesn’t look like a place where rowdiness is permissible. You take care of yourself, you’re respectable. People follow suit.

The Negative Stances

We create adversarial relationships with the following:

Punitive Stance – Don’t be a person who aggravates the situation.

Be firm when you need to. Frontload sanctions. Let people know where they stand at first. Like telling people it’s a no-shoe or no-smoking house. Following, we are kind, gentle, welcoming, and helpful. Tactfully remind people of limits.

Patronizing Stance – Don’t explain slowly, do the obvious. But also avoid acronyms. Don’t talk around people with them. Most are afraid to interrupt, don’t want to look stupid by asking what OCLC means.

Saccharine Stance – Person comes in crisis. Don’t respond like the person’s a child. A strong person gets mad. A weak person believes they’re weak, regresses. Throw tantrum either way. People need assistance, not comfort. Babies need comfort. Help people self-regulate so they don’t need us.

Intimidated Stance – We fool ourselves into doing the wrong, easy thing. Violate professional ethics, we teach people that it works. We rationalize. Can be someone we like; we get played, anxiety at being disliked.

Burned-out Stance – Slow-motion PTSD. From a work environment that erodes a sense of self-respect and well-being. Brain grows to be a traumatized brain; we react to past ailments & abuses. Brain shuts down, emotional blunting. Burn-out is emotional blunting without the drama. When we treat someone like they’re not important, they will create the drama to be noticed. Lash out. A burned-out staff-member creates a more dangerous situation for everyone when they fail to assess emergency situations. You get so burned out, you no longer care for safety. Or can become provocative, “I hate this job, I’m going to make the job hate me.” Fix this by: Enlivening life outside of work. Put meaning to work.

Mercurial Stance – As a free spirit, we let people know how we feel at any point in time. Supervisors can be the touchstone of stability to help them through.

Enmeshed Stance – We ignore more quiet people for the dramatic ones (see Mercurials above), focus on how the relationship with one person is going. We must only think about relationship in regards to the service you are charged to provide. 1-3% of our population are sociopathic, and aim to create this relationship. They use our best human qualities to manipulate us.

Leveling Stance – We become client or employee’s friend. There is a power differential, if we pretend it’s not there, we’re basing the relationship on a lie and there will be a nagging problem with the person. When we have to lay down a sanction or set a limit, person feels betrayed.

Bias Stance – Biological norm; as animals, anything that is not part of our normal circle is problematic. We can’t help it. But we need to be able to question bias. People will either sink to our expectations or rise to our hopes. We shouldn’t judge. We can trap people.

 

How do we ethically deal with a staffer who exhibits any of the above?

On the Job / In the Moment We can mitigate by doing their work and creating busy work. This is not ideal or sustainable.

Talk to Them If someone is harmful or unhelpful, we talk to them (if they can take it). Be respectful.

Talk to a Supervisor Do something, doing nothing is the worst possible thing. Watch out for “the ghost,” who disrupts team solidarity by using the restroom or working on special projects, being invisible and disappearing at the moment of need.

A disorganized organization that is not unified is more dangerous. Need unity of purpose, standards.

 

Interpersonal Space

If you’re too close, person will become agitated. Look for signs – weight shifts, breathe less freely, shoulders hunch, the eyes stop dancing, start to glaze; they don’t hear what you say. Think about your warning sign, what your body physically does when threatened. This can help expose danger. What does your body do when you’re being conned. Our “lizard brain” scans for what threatens the DNA and what helps it survive. Doesn’t use words. Only physical reaction/sensation, “gut feeling,” “pain in the neck,” etc. Like road rage, you get the same feeling from blatant hostility. Don’t ignore your gut.

How Do You Live with Shame?

You eliminate self or person who did it. Neither. Pay attention. Street smarts are trainable. Just pay attention to and emulate the Lizard, they are naked and feel no shame.

Aggressors

They “interview” us for the future. Don’t lose your temper – lose edge, flexibility, and strength.  Borderline Personality – someone becomes how they feel. Don’t get thrown off balance, lose perspective, be like that. Don’t let people push the button of the things we hate about ourselves. Also recognize what we like about ourselves, which can be used against us. Vulnerability. Someone can ruin you for a month by saying something. We tense up from surprise, the “startle reflex.” Noise does it too. We let down our guard. Paranoia is bad, all-encompassing. Awareness is the goal here.

Bracketing – Remind your brain what your “buttons” are so you can roll with, rather than react to situations. Be mindful, eliminate the startle reflex. Take an inventory of your buttons, what undermines your integrity (things you hate about yourself, things you treasure, behaviors that can throw you off balance, envy, your biases). Don’t take it personally. Little things eat away, make us off-center, incapable to respond to the bigger things, aggression. Little things add up; the worst torture ever is the water drop on the forehead. Tears the nervous system up, lacerates the mind.

Centering – the mind, body, and spirit are braided. Physical change can affect the rest. Our “tightrope walker” state – we can shift with the wind, in an emergency, we drop the pole, hang on to the wire. *Circular breathing. Inhale to belt, pause, exhale around and up back—or the reverse. Brain responds to this image. Makes us more aware, more present. Spend some time every day on this, also when you come home, helps detoxify from the day. Don’t bring violence to your home. 2-3 min/day while driving. After a couple weeks, it clicks, we feel a hum. Every stressful situation, practice it, so you’re ready for it when an emergency presents itself. Demeanor will seem placid, buttons can’t be pushed.

Go Slow – Social service agents are often seen as sheep to the wolves. Kids & teens need to be big dog. Eye contact comes slow. Familiarity also. Firm & fair. Breathing helps. Eyes wide open.

 

THEIR SIDE

Manipulation – the “tension release cycle.” You can break it. Slow down, don’t respond. Force eye contact, take it away. Called the grooming cycle. Exercise: tense until can’t stand it, relax until can’t stand it. Helps to reorganize the mind. A little like tai chi.

 

How to Communicate to Avoid Aggression (pgs 6-7, handout)

The Cycle of Aggression – our brain has 545 parts that are in conflict. Person with integrity doesn’t notice the aggressive part. Many aren’t this sophisticated. Human brain, mammal brain, and lizard brain split. Scale of escalation 1-100%.

1-20% we’re human-brain-dominant, it coordinates all parts of the brain, creates things, gives sense of identity/consistent view of self, sense of community (we give to get, make do with what we’ve got), dialog is possible.

20-95% anger manifests from frustration, forces listening. Remember, they are trying to communicate and we may not know the full story. We want to get person amenable to disengaging, to “line up.” Don’t explain or ask questions. Don’t tell them why they got the parking ticket. Don’t grill them. They feel interrogated, mammal brain hates this. Best technique at this point is paraphrasing; it won’t work for the enraged. We tactically paraphrase from our understanding. Can be as simple as “pretty confusing, huh?” Comes from good faith assumptions. Then, can help calmly explain, advise, help. If this doesn’t work, they don’t want to calm down, they’re looking for a fight.

95-99% rage, lizard brain takes over (fight-flight-freeze-rage) the transition between anger & violence. Violence comes at threat, not at being struck. Go for safety here. The 1% that stops the aggressor is consequence, morality (bible helped kick-start this), physical limitations, values (what we acquire). Use control techniques. Say “I keep it safe here” a way of talking which can bring it back to human brain. Talk slowly, soothingly, from the chest…an “alpha” voice. Keep out of personal space. Say “breathe with me,” to regulate breathing, pace it down.

(Works for terrified rage. Delirium or disorganized rage, short commands, repeated. Use name if you know it. Hypnotic induction: “sit down…sit down….sit down.” Without losing temper. “Islands of sanity,” a childhood song, etc. can help bring people out of it. Shift focus, Eliminate crisis.)

Aggression can come in many disguises – even seduction, if we don’t accede to their “come on,” we’re saying we’re smarter than them. Enrages.

 The Gift of Fear – Gavin DeBecker. Fear is a wisdom teacher. Protecting the Gift same deal, for parents.

Behavior at the Edge of Attack

“I really want to hear what you’re saying, but please take a couple steps back.” Never apologize or excuse yourself for this.
Follow with eye contact.  But if the eyes get sexually aggressive, say “the meeting’s over.” “Why?” “You know why.” End of story. Don’t define yourself as a victim. Eyes can stray. If it’s a calculated act of aggression, end it.

Power testing – Someone picks something off desk, throws it down. Banking your reaction for the future.

Displacement Activity – kicking, hitting, punching walls, things. Amping up, threatening you.

Scapegoating – Yells at kid in meeting, as an assault on morality. Their way of saying what happens at home later, “this is going to be your fault.”

Blanching is an indicator of rage. Red skin can mean drugs or rage.

Disassociating they stop talking, go blank. The 1000 yard stare indicates dehumanization. This can be the calm before the rage storm. Yell to bring back. Then escape if that doesn’t work. Eerie smile can be similar to the blank stare.

 

Hot Rage/Fury

Small, a wolverine. Big, a bear. Not anger. Well beyond.

No Ambiguity At the point of explosion. Low frustration tolerance. You may need to stop talking. Find the exit. Look for weapons on him, to protect self. How do you signal or call for help. No ambiguity. Use “ladder technique.” Say “step back, back off, etc,” whatever works. “We’ll talk about it, Mr. Anders, when you step back.” If they step back, it’s bluff rage. If they keep coming, this is an assault. Immediately go for safety. Repeat the phrase, go back to the ladder. Thinking doesn’t help. Never say “calm down.” It doesn’t work. Don’t force them to leave, they may just barrel through others. “Sit down.” “Please bring your voice down.” Stop yelling before you stop swearing. “I can’t hear you when you’re yelling.” “I can’t follow you when you’re moving around. Sit down.”

What about swearing? You made a mistake? Say: “Talk to me with the same respect I talk to you.” AND “I understand how enraged you were. I messed up. But before we talk about that, we need to talk about what you did. You came in and tipped over my desk. That can never happen.”

(note, if developmentally disabled, a lot of explaining will not be effective.)
(note, if it’s bluff, can quickly salvage the situation).

 

Every Staff Meeting – Should have a portion on safety, will at very least bring staff together, make them feel more secure. Not only for when we’re in crisis. And we may learn something that we didn’t know, that we needed to know.